October has gone by fast and I feel like I haven’t had a lot of time to gather my thoughts. October is always a rough time of year for me, for a myriad of reasons. Halloween tends to be a “dark day” for me, and I always dread this time of year. In an attempt to not be in a funk, I’m checking in and sharing some of the thoughts that I have had time to gather.
I used to pray every night before bed. Every night. I consciously quit doing so when I was 20 and my boyfriend was using drugs. It wasn’t because I lost faith, or had nothing to pray about, or felt like God had failed me. It was because I was in constant communication with God. I talked to God throughout the day. God knows what’s on your heart, always. Sometimes praying helps. For me, praying wasn’t helping, but talking to God did help. I was recently thinking about that adjustment I went through – when I began to just simply talk to God rather than pray daily. I still talk versus pray. I pray en masse in church and weekly during staff meeting (I work in a church-setting). The only time I pray by myself now is when I see an emergency vehicle. I don’t think that anyone in the world knows that about me: I say a small, quick, silent prayer every time I see an emergency vehicle. But otherwise, I prefer talking to God.
I keep talking with friends about where I want to go for my honeymoon. I’m not engaged, or anything close to it. I’m just one of those stupid girls who is romantically planning her honeymoon with a man she’s never met before. (It’s Greece, and Prague during Christmastime, in case you were wondering.) I don’t know why I’m dreaming about that though when I could be dreaming about where I actually can go, right now. I still have 6 vacation days to use before the end of 2016, so I pitched it to Instagram asking where I should go. My friend Jess suggested Edinburgh, where she lives. I spent the night looking up flights to Scotland…and then realised that I should just plan a UK trip for 2017. I have family east of London, and my lovely friend Tori who I haven’t seen in 3 years lives up in Manchester. I might as well explore a bit of Scotland while I’m at it. (I’ve yet to be convinced that I should visit Ireland…I’ve been watching the third season of The Fall & am reminded that Ireland looks rather grim, or at least the Northern bit of it.)
Creating the life I dream of
I am really happy in my life. Somewhat stupid happy, at times. I’ve worked hard to create a life for myself that I wanted, and now I get to reap what I sow. However, I can’t help but wonder if I’m not letting myself dream enough into what else I want. I’ve been dreaming up (and talking with people) about a business idea. But that’s the only dazzling new thing I’ve been working towards creating for myself. I wonder if I’m letting my contentment get in the way of making life even better for myself.
Putting myself “out there” and being brave
I’ve never really been afraid of rejection. I’ve always accepted it when it’s come and, for the most part, I don’t let it affect how I see myself. I’m trying to be more brave about myself in relationship or dating, though. I’m trying to not be afraid of letting someone know that I miss them or appreciate them or like them…or whatever. I’m so reserved that I oftentimes keep those things to myself. Not out of fear of being rejected, but just because it’s natural for me to keep things to myself. I’m trying to be more brave about putting my thoughts and feelings out there. And I hope that others will do me the same courtesy. We live in a world of “ghosting” and so much we say and do publicly is inauthentic and edited; I worry that we let that all seep into our personal lives. I worry that we don’t let ourselves be brave enough to say what we feel, even if it is ugly and unedited.
I love my family. The ones that are near and the ones that are far. The ones that have ugly political opinions. The ones that are quiet and reserved. The ones that I haven’t seen in years. The ones who I don’t see eye to eye with. The ones that I have dinner with frequently. The ones who I have never met (Grandpa Ray, Grandpa Paul…happy 116th birthday!). The ones who I didn’t have enough time to get to know (Grandma Dee, Grandma Lorene…on the anniversary of your death). The ones who love and appreciate me for who I am. The ones who struggle to understand me. The ones that are very very small (Iris, one of my favourite people in the world) and very very old (Astrid, the fierce family matriarch). I love them all. I love my family.
He’s been one of my favourites for years. I’ll Be Home, or, here’s one that I can’t get out of my head lately.